Day 90 | DECEMBER 09, 2021
Good Evening Friends, today is day 90 of our new and amazing life!
Wow! 3 months, depending when you ask me, I could say that went by very fast, or that it took forever, regardless we are here and Charlie is doing very well.
Today’s visit is one of the best ones so far !
When I arrived at the hospital around 3pm , Charlie was seated on her chair and in very good spirits, her pain was in a very manageable level, I walked in and right away we started a conversation, she asked me what is going on in your world , to which I reply, you are my world, but I know you are asking me about the outside world.
We both smiled and I went on to tell her , about our kids and their changes in the last weeks, she asked to see pictures, We also talked about tomorrow possible downsizing of her tracheae collar size, she is very excited about it, and so far she is doing very well, I am praying that she continues these way until tomorrow at 8am.
The reason why today’s visit was extra special, is because for the first time since the day of the accident, I became vulnerable in front of Charlie , the way our conversation went , we arrived to the point where Charlie told me that she felt silly about the accident, I asked her to explain what she meant by feeling silly, she went on to say in tears that she wishes she would have listen to me( one day I will tell about the day and morning before the accident) she wishes that she didn’t go to Patch that day, she wishes that she dropped and rolled faster , at that moment I felt that she was ready to hear my fears and my dark thoughts from the first weeks of the accident, I opened up to her like never before , I shared with her every dark scenario that you have read about on my earlier journals, I shared with her the fear that overwhelmed me when I thought that she was not going to make it, I told her how I felt responsible for the accident, I told her everything, while tears dropped down my face , and Charlie also had tears on her eyes , it was a incredible, raw and emotional moment, where we both showed vulnerable in solidarity to each other , it was moment that I will never forget, we both showed so much strength, by letting our guard down, until that moment, I had never showed any sign of fear, concern , or any negative feelings, to not create any concern for Charlie , and I am sure she did her best to hide some emotions from me as well, it was so liberating to be completely honest and raw about our fears and negative feelings about the accident, we called it going down the rabbit hole, we agreed that we would share our darkest thoughts and we would not talk about again, unless it was necessary, we would visit our darker moments, but we would not stay there, we would move along.
I was pleased to hear that Charlie is already past her state of fear and that she is entering the acceptance and gratitude stage , off course I know that she is far from fully accepting her new reality, but she is past the dark initial days, she told me today something that I haven’t thought about it, she said she has not seeing her body, she has no idea what her body looks like yet.
I was taken back by this, just because it never crossed my mind , so now we will enter a new territory when the time comes for her to see her new, burned, cut and stitched body, I told her that I will be with her at every step of this journey, I will always be at her side, I will support her at her every decision, and that my love for her is beyond our physical bodies.
Charlie was so grateful once she heard my list of fears, and my promise to be at her side at each step, she was able to express such gratitude with her eyes and words, it was one of the most beautiful moments since the accident, we are now feeling light after being vulnerable with one another.
Tomorrow has the potential to be a great day !
I will remain humble and in prayer , until I have confirmation that her surgery went well and that her tracheae collar size had been downsized.
I appreciate your continued support and prayers.
May God bless you .