Day 48 | OCTOBER 28, 2021
Good evening friends, today is day 48 of our new and amazing life.
Today we re entered the rollercoaster ride that I have been warned way too many times by her doctors.
Well, here we are again onboard for this scary ride.
Today when I arrived Charlie was awake and in good spirits, she was listening to her audiobook, she had finished her air drying time 1 hour or so before my arrival.
We talked about the boys and I had few videos to show her , she loves seeing her boys in video, she once again expressed how much she misses her babies, I can’t even imagine the pain and suffering she is experiencing being away and unable to touch or be with her boys, It really breaks my heart and today for the first time Charlie asked me how I was doing emotionally!
I was caught by surprise, when she asked me this, inside of my head this is the conversation I had in a matter of 10 seconds “I just have no way of responding that to her , I guess she saw my face after she told me how much she misses our boys ? Or maybe my eyes are showing my internal pain and struggle? Regardless of what prompted her to ask me, I had to give her a answer that would be positive and that would not give her a reason to worry “, but after probably looking stunned and with tears in my eyes , all I could say was, I am fine , she looked at me with such compassion, I had to change the topic of our conversation.
God knows how much I wanted to tell her all my thoughts and worries and feelings, Charlie has always been there for me when I was worried or struggling with something, and she always knew the right thing to say to make me feel better , well this time around I don’t have my best friend, confidant and wife to support me, I can’t make her worry about me , it is not fair to her, so I have to deal with my own thoughts and trials, I am grateful for the strength God has been giving me so far , but when I hear that Charlie is now facing two infections, one on her blood and one in her urine, I can’t help but to go right back to the dark times of the first few days of her accident, even if it is for a quick minute, I now know how common and almost expected these infections are when treating a burn victim like Charlie, It is easy to forget how the majority of the other patients experience a lot of infections, when Charlie’s recovery is nothing short than amazing and miraculous.
But here we are once again, asking for your prayers, and asking God to once again intervene and heal her from these two infections. They have started the antibiotics and now we can just wait and Pray that they will work, I am hopeful that they will.
The really hard part of the rollercoaster ride is the reality in dealing with the sudden change of emotions, I was so grateful the other day and now I find myself without that same gratitude in my heart, I know that I can’t and I know that I shouldn’t , but fear is such a constant stalker around my feelings, and today it has made its claim.
I will not fight or deny any feelings that may come during this journey, but I will remain vigilant and in prayer to return to a grateful heart and I know this will come once I know that Charlie is infection free in the next 10 days or so.
As I write today’s Journal, I am seating in Charlie’s room, surrounded by the white noise of the ICU machines, and the music coming from her Bluetooth speaker, and I look outside her window and all I see if the grey sky and what I also observe at that moment is, that when we are in fear or sad, time does stand still and you have this ability to see the negative and sadness around you, it is almost like the color of things are gone and all you can see is black and white.
No, I am not depressed and yes I am allowing the feeling of fear to come in to mind, only because I know from the advice received from a priest that has become my friend here in Richmond, that allowing the suffering to be lived in your heart, one will become wise and sapient and really understand the pain and become one with Christ, like once before I am allowing this pain of uncertainty to dwell into my heart, and at the right time and I am hopeful that it will be soon, the fear will return to its dark corner and gratitude will return and make me happy again.
I kindly ask you to not be worried about me. I am learning how to ride the emotional roller coaster and this is part of it. I am writing about my feelings and this is what is inside of my mind at this moment.
What I do ask is for your prayers and positive thoughts towards Charlie’s healing from the infection. This is the most important thing that we need to laser focus on. I also ask you to continue to share her story.
Besides today’s fear, I remain humbled by your love and support.
May God Bless you.
André
